My friend Dave alerted me to The Prestige, a new movie that is currently in post production. Go ahead and take a look at the trailer here (Quicktime) or here (YouTube), but I should warn you. It’s good. Damn good. It’s drooling-at-the-mouth, waves of ecstacy, indecent levels of pleasure goodness.

Why am I so excited about this movie?

Simple. Nolan has taken everything I love about movies, wrapped it in an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny bikini, given it breast implants, dipped it in hot fudge, and burnt it onto celluloid. Not convinced?

Lemma 1: Any movie directed by the man [Christopher Nolan] who directed Memento will kick ass.

Proof: Memento is a thriller about a man [Guy Pierce] who, suffering from short term memory lost, attempts to hunt down his wife’s killer. The catch? He can’t hold on to a new memory after five minutes time, and so he has to enlist the help of several cryptic tattoos, a mess of handwritten notes, a trusty Polaroid camera, and a handful of suspicious characters. Oh, and did I mention this movie runs scene by scene backwards? It’s a movie that leaves you breathless until the credits and has been my all time favourite flick for the past half decade.

Lemma 2: Any movie containing elements from Batman Begins will kick ass.

Proof: Batman Begins was directed by Christopher Nolan. Use Lemma 1.
Proof 2: Any movie containing ninjas together with Michael Caine [Cider House Rules] will kick ass. Batman Begins contains ninjas and Michael Caine. Therefore Batman Begins kicks ass. (For you people who are actually concerned about the correctedness of my work, you should remember that ass kicking is indeed a transitive operator, otherwise the proof wouldn’t work).

Lemma 3: Any movie that combines the hotness of Scarlett Johansson with the fragility of Lost in Translation will kick ass.

Proof: Lost in Translation continues to be my second all time favourite movie. It’s such a romantic and sensible story of two strangers meeting in a foreign country. It’s about the sadness of isolation and the comforts of relationships. It’s a subtle masterpiece with feelings of romantic tension permeating every one of its frames. Oh, and any movie with the hotness of Scarlett is almost guarunteed to kick ass.

transitivity of ass kicking

Therefore Batman Begins kicks ass. For you people who are actually concerned about the correctedness of my work, you should remember that ass kicking is indeed a transitive operator, otherwise the proof wouldn’t work.

Lemma 4: Any movie that contains elements from The Lord of the Rings will kick ass.

Proof: The Lord of the Rings will always remain as one of the crowning achievements of cinema. It’s a nine hour epic drool-fest that contains some of the most fantastic action sequences ever seen. The trilogy underlines what a true cinematic experience should be like: a rousing and emotional rollercoaster complimented by terrific acting, seizure inducing battles, and an unparalleled story. Another one of my favourites

Lemma 5: Any movie about rival magicians battling it out will kick ass.

Proof: None needed. The inherit ass kicking nature of any story involving rival magicians is a fundamental axiom of human nature. This lemma is an immediate corollary of our fascination with magic.

Theorem 1: The Prestige will, undoubtedly, kick major ass.

Proof: The Prestige stars Hugh Jackman [X-Men], Christian Bale [Batman Begins], Scarlett Johansson [Lost in Translation], Michael Caine [Batman Begins], Andy Serkis [Lord of the Rings], and is directed by Christopher Nolan [Memento, Batman Begins].

Furthermore, it is about rival magicians battling it out. Sadly, no ninjas were included in the production of this movie. Nevertheless, along with Lemmas 1-5, this completes the proof of Theorem 1.

And yes. If this movie bombs, I will indeed hurl myself off the nearest cliff.