I’ve often wondered how one should go about writing a personal ad for one of those dating sites. Obviously, you’d like compose an ad that reflects who you are and what kind of partner you’re looking for. But what do you focus on? Do you focus on physical appearances? Do you focus on intellectual similarities? How do you screen for the freaks and find the sincere, sophisticated, and attractive gentlemen/ladies you really want?
Well, Pathetic Personals takes the guesswork out of the whole complicated process and really nails down the easy steps you should follow. Here, I’ve taken their system, and slightly optimized it for brevity and your viewing pleasure.
(i) Use photos with your ex
(ii) choose from a list of clichés
“I love walks on the beach, bungee jumping and traveling the world.”
Translation: I live in the dust bowl, wade in kiddy pools and the last time I saw the world was when I drove outside Topeka city limits to stock up on lotto tickets and green ketchup
(iii) Make it clear you do not intend to date
“I am 22 yrs old and actually im not really looking for anyone dating wise just friends due to me finding someone from here that i really like so u can message me if u want but actually i am not looking for a relationship sorry but if it happens it happnes”
(iv) Mention if you like your soulmates thick
“you need to be somewhat athletic or atleast look like it thick is ok too just not fat ,you know if you are fat, and must have a pretty face.”
(v) Remove all punctuation
“im looking for a female who i can have fun with someone that is smart funny attractive and has goals very imprtant on the goal thing cause it says alot about your personality im not looking for anything serious right off the bat i just want someone i can be friends with cause if you cant be friends with your girl then being lovers will never work out by the way if you plan on sleeping with me within the first week or you plan on telling me that you love me within the first month or so then dont even bother replying i want a girl with respsct for her self and someone that knows what love is and you cant love someone you dont know and trust me you wont know me in a month”
(vi) Edit for spelling
“Also need a very intimate type that wants a sexual relationship, aswell as an interlectual type to talk with.”
(vii) And lastly, be sure to ramble incoherently
“just want to find some nice, caring, sincere man who loves me for me (or in spite of me) — in other words, a man who is perfect for ME. I’m finally at the point in my life where I don’t need a man, but I really want one. And I hope to find a man at the same point. Only he wants a woman, not a man….okay, okay, you get it.
Be straight ] honest ] and look forward to creat a conversation that furthers the relationship .Thats what is difficult to do but not difficult to put in action as i have always thought of winning my point of view, rarely realising that when you loose your point of view you actually are allowing other person to agree with some of your point of view too ! Thats what is a basic ingradient in animals called home sapience!!— the rare breed of Nature …… HUMANS !! The more i go into a friend ship more i become sensitive about human values and speach with which i interact !
quite think built, office worker,dancingand movies all tyoe watch sports church graduate of osu weeendends to see the the future geo. washinton, a. lincoln elvis pete rose jesus. taking about sex yes it could happen christian values outgoing personality dancng sports fan white , thin neat kiss fun laugher honesty hygene office worker sports ,dancing socialiize marriage.”
So I gave it a try. Unfortunately, I didn’t stumble upon the above seven steps until after I had written my own. But gee, I don’t think I did too bad. What do you think?
One (1) 20-year old canadian male in excellent condition seeking somebody, anybody, to lavish with love and attention. Great physical shape, but minor emotional damage. Excellent bone structure.
Graduate student in Applied Mathematics. Excellent companion for owners looking to discuss academically oriented topics. Easy to feed, but consumes copious amounts of Earl Grey tea and coffee.
Owner must encourage participation in daily activites including: mathematical research, classical guitar practice, and workouts at the gym. Otherwise, suffers bouts of depression, lethargy, and mental instability.
Quirks are numerous, but minor and relatively harmless. Has tendency to overwork. Often grumpy and moody. Previous owner comments that bark is significantly worse than bite.
Owner must agree not to neuter.
Loves to greet owners coming home with boundless energy, wet licks with tongue, and only wearing what nature gave him.
Interested applicants may forward a CV, University transcript, headshots, three (3) letters of reference, undergarments, and a 300-word statement of intent.
I’ll be by my phone all night, ladies.