To: sexyboi_69@hotmail.com
From: Phil
Date: August 03, 2006 2:05 AM
Subject: You

Dear SexyBoi_69,

There comes a time in every child’s life when they begin to shed their youthful tendencies and become a fully-fledged member of society. An adult. A man or a woman. I know this is hard for you, well, especially you, but let’s start with baby steps, okay?

Let’s start with the e-mail address.

E-mails like sexyboi_69@hotmail.com, kinky_pyromaniac@yahoo.com, britneydabomb@aol.com, and humongos_schlong86@gmail.com make me want to gouge my eyes out with an ice pick, but not before I’m hurling up a delightful mess of lettuce, rice, chicken, and mashed potatoes.

In fact, I’m going to pull the gender card here and say that girls are the worst offenders. When I see things like cutie_pie1312@hotmail.com, sexi_biatch22@yahoo.com, sweet_temptation12@hotmail.com, and daisy_jenny_loves_bunnies@angelfire.com, I go totally apeshit and long for the day technology will allow us to physically reach through our screens and stab someone in the face.

Believe it

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Grow up. Get a real e-mail, okay? That way, when I do reply to that letter you wrote to me, at least I’ll be able to do it with a straight face. At least I won’t feel like I’m addressing some punk kid with bad angst, bad hair, and infinitely worse, an F in high school Algebra.

So quit using e-mails with the following in the syntax: names of flowers, names of animals, profanity, colours, genitalia, adjectives, and anything that can be described as cute and/or funny by a representative sample of middle and high school students. And of course, it’s always nice to have your last and (perhaps) first name in your e-mail.

And please, please, for the love of all that is holy, stop using hotmail. Anybody that needs a gmail account can e-mail me.

Yours always,
Phil

I know I’ve been in a crap mood lately.