To the few ladies and gentlemen of Toronto who will undoubtedly be checking to see what atrocious lies I’ll be spreading about my visit: thank you for your company, your hospitality, and especially your late night candor.

If you ever do stop by Ottawa, please give me a ring and I will delight in showing you the many beautiful charms Ottawa has that Toronto does not. I assure you, your eyes will welcome the downtown area, where signs publicizing kinky and taboo subjects are a rarity rather than the norm.

That is, unless you enjoy frequenting those 60+ gay/lesbian parties thrown by monkeys with foot fetishes I read on posters everwhere during my visit.