Lately, I’ve been making mistakes. A lot of them. I’ve been watching my life spin in a million different directions, and I’ve noticed everything falling apart. Slowly, but surely.

I’ve been watching my grades fall. At this point there’s not much hope of repeating history and claiming the third and final Governor General’s Academic Medal. My research has been sidetracked by my academics, as well as my bids for graduate schools and graduate funding.

It doesn’t help that I’ve grown weary of school. I’ve been skipping classes I shouldn’t have skipped. I’ve frankly disowned the mathematical community at large and am turning into more of a recluse than ever before.

It’s hard. Because you see, without my academics, I’m nothing. Nada. Zip. Ziltch.

I’m known for my academic ability. I’m known not as a top student, but the top student. And if I give that position up, then what am I? Would I be just another one of a thousand faceless students?

If I can’t hang on to the only thing that makes me me, then what does that mean?

has-been  /ˈhæzˌbɪn/
–noun

1. a person or thing that is no longer effective, successful, popular, etc.

2. Phil. Loser.

I guess I’m starting to feel the effects of finishing undergrad so fast. I wish I was back in High School. I wish I could go to parties and get drunk. I wish I could just sit in the park and talk with a lovely girl I fancied, instead of sitting home alone at 4 in the morning, trying to understand Topology, Dynamical Systems, or whatever.

Oh, how I envy you guys.