I started pawing through some of my old posts. And I realized something.

Wow, I used to really write some top notch stuff. Some funny stuff.

Stuff about my disastrous attempts of chatting up women in elevators.

Stuff about my blossomming chick-lit writing career.

Dude. What happened?

When it comes to Christmas, I’m a bit like Scrooge.

To be honest, I guess it’s just that I haven’t had anybody to share it with.

Family is family, of course.

My mates are still as friendly as ever, though they’re more the Lets-Get-Together-Every-Once-in-a-While-and-Relive-Memories kind of chums.

And through bad timing and perhaps worse luck, I don’t think I’ve ever had a ladyfriend to share Christmas with. Perhaps the months before, perhaps the months after, but never the month of.

But that’s the way my life goes. I know that.

It’s just that Christmas season — moreso than any other season — is just so inescapably lonely when you’re…well…when you’re lonely.

It gets to you. It eats away at you.

And the only thing you can do is huddle in a dark booth at the local coffeehouse and do some work, hoping it passes quickly and painlessly.

Wow. Depressing.

And then there’s you guys.

The readers. The writers. The bloggers.

The people who’ve been privy to my affairs, both private and public.

Bless you people. Because without you, I’d be just another nut with his math.

But you don’t want any of that mushy mushy stuff do you?

I bet you’re all, “Where’s my presents, yo?”

So here we go.

Enjoy your presents and deepest apologies for any blogging friends and aquaintances I may have missed.

To Macarena…

To Rhys…

To Annie, Tracy, and the IT2M gang…

To Roselle…

To Hot Coffee Girl and Jane…

To Cornell, Sharon, and Michelle…

To Dave, Jon, and my old high school mates…

Rather out of the blue, Miss Macarena tagged me.

So here are five things you (probably) don’t know about me.

1. For 15 years, I’ve used almost the same password in every instance — a reference to the riddle game between Bilbo Baggins and the creature Gollum in The Hobbit.

2. I’m a Frasier-holic. I have 8 seasons. Anybody want to come over for a Frasier-athon?

3. I’m currently reading A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I wish I had more time to read.

4. I’m tired of the way people treat mathematicians with scorn and derision. I shrug off comments, from gentle mocking to grossly insulting, but after a few years, it does get old. I’m not an overachieving reclusive hermit who sits at home and wastes and exorbitant amount of stationary on adding and multiplying large numbers.

5. After math, I was hoping on doing graduate studies in Philosophy (almost definitely), Astrophysics (perhaps), and English Literature (so beautiful).

So without further ado, this meme is whisked off to Rhys and Roselle. Have fun, ladies.

Coming up next, Part II of my series The Mathematics of Attraction

“I think I’m ready to have a relationship.”

“No you’re not.”

“You know, with a girl…”

“As opposed to what? A textbook?”

“So?”

“So if you’re all ready, why are you here talking to me?”

“Well, uh…I have a question.”

“Sure.”

“How much time do I need to put aside for if I want a girlfriend?”

“Phil, you can’t just pencil it into your agenda like that.”

“I know, I’m not entirely hopeless.”

“I know.”

“…I’d just like a rough approximation.”

“A rough approximation?”

“Yeah, I’m willing to make the sacrifice.”

“Are you?”

“Definitely.”

“So…like, 3 hours a week? Will that do? That includes transportation, phone calls, small talk, the occasional dinner…”

“Who’s the lucky girl?”

“Oh, I haven’t found her yet. Do I get to pick from a catalogue or something?”

“Oh brother. You’re not ready, Phil.”

Every good math problem begins with a fascinating story, and unfortunately, love can only be studied with a pair of lovers.

I can certainly be the lover, but who will be my lovee?

Who will be the Juliet to my Romeo, the Mary Jane to my Spider Man, the Hermia to my Lysander? Alas, I need a leading lady.

For this, I’ve turned to the lovely Dr. Allison Cameron [played by Jennifer Morrison] on the most excellent show House, M.D.

I know what you’re thinking.

Her? Me? No way.

In your dreams, loser.

But that’s only because you haven’t seen the teaser for the next season of House, M.D. [Season 4]

This highly touted season of House, M.D. will be the first to introduce Phil [played by himself] as an eager, yet adorably naive mathematician who lends his mathematical talents to the crack medical team of Dr. Gregory House [Hugh Laurie].

Phil quickly catches the eye of a beautiful Dr. Allison Cameron [Jennifer Morrison] who, so enraptured by his wit and charm, finds herself quickly falling for the young mathematician, despite crude advances by Dr. Robert Chase [Jesse Spencer], Dr. James Wilson [Robert Sean Leonard], and Dr. Eric Foreman [Omar Epps].

Said to be the darkest season of House, M.D. ever, House tries to desperately hold his ragtag crew of medical misfits together as they cope with loss, betrayal, and hardship abstract mathematics.

All that to say that the lovely Dr. Cameron will be the subject of our intense mathematical analysis to come.

And I’m sure y’all are all, “How does a guy like YOU get a girl like THAT.”

Simple. The Mathematics of Dynamical Systems.

The dynamics of attraction can be modeled by a system of simple equations. Knowing how your system behaves, you can then decide how you should pursue Mr. or Ms. Right of your life.

In the next post, I’ll be showing you some of the basic tools you’ll need.