It’s funny, because I found out that the guy who e-mailed me last month is actually one of my biggest fans.

It’s true.

The day he sent me that e-mail, he visited my page over 50 times. Over the last few weeks, he’s been pretty constant — you know, visiting me at least a few times every day.

It’s nice to know I can attract that kind of attention. I can’t wait to get my own paparazzi, street stalkers, peeping toms, and jealous boy/girlfriends of smitten admirers.

I’ll try to sleep in the nude and leave my blinds open, just for you, oh lovely secret admirer.

To: Phil
From: Dave
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Ahahahaha are you serious? Who sent that email? ROFLCAKES!

I can smell the jealousy spewing out of that email all the way here in Guelph, and everything smells like shit here! (Due to the agriculture farms)

To: Dave
From: Phil
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Re: Hate Mail

Oh yeah. It was real. I never make up the e-mails in my blog, you chump.

To: Dave
From: Phil
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hate Mail

Damnn lol, who sent it?? Find out!

To: Dave
From: Phil
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hate Mail

And what? Beat them up and take their lunch money?

To: Phil
From: Dave
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hate Mail

I was thinking more like tie em up and bust their knee caps.

You’ve gotten too soft Philippe.

Here’s some of the wonderful reader mail I’ve received. I got a little bit of everything (thanks guys), from deep comments about how girls have gone through this kind of petty bashing since grade school, to more practical comments, like how to settle this problem more directly.

From busting kneecaps (Dave), and swinging crowbars (Cerb), to launching bricks (N.L) and punching kidneys (Macarena).

Welcome to the dark side.

To: Phil
From: Shard
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Many people take a small (sometimes large) glee at doing things like this, playing “stalker”. I know that you can take care of yourself, hell I know how much you lift Just use that same confidence that lifting taught you, and dont let it bother you anymore.

As for the identity, I would take a guess that it is someone that is just jealous of your success at your schooling, health, and friendships. Just take it as a compliment.

So no worries man, it is just another newb scared by your L337tn355.

To: Phil
From: Illah
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

You have what’s known on the streets as ‘haters’.

Think about it, you got your […] scholarship, Canadian medals, built body, amazing academic performance, etc. Some people want that but for whatever reason they came in 2nd place (or 200th) and they hate that. You then become the representation of their own inadequacy and insecurity. They try and find any opportunity to chip away at you to make you seem less ‘big’ so they can feel like they’re not so small by comparison.

I try and keep most of my success quiet - learned that early on. Makes life easier.

To: Phil
From: D.S.
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Is it insecure for you to worry?

Only a few people are emotionally impervious. The rest of us love to be liked.

To: Phil
From: F.N.
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Fuhgheddaboudit, you have more serious and important stuff to worry about.

To: Phil
From: Dachy
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

I once had a problem with a friend messing with me like that, talking about me behind my back.

Next day I was talking to my boss about it and he said “Do you love him?”, with the most serious face. That made me laugh and I realize how funny it was that I even gave a damn about what the guy thought.

Now it’s an ongoing joke and anytime one of us talks about the guy, we say “Do you love him?”.

To: Phil
From: Nishant
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Jealousy takes many forms Phil. Don’t sweat it. Take comfort in the fact that
you could crush this punk for mentally and physically.

I would go on, if I thought anything I could say would make a difference. Take
care.

To: Phil
From: NYCWD
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Simply put, don’t let that other e-mail get to you. […] If you buy into [his] negativity, well then you’ve failed. […]

I think you get my meaning. If you’re still confused, then it’s simple:

Fuck’em.

To: Phil
From: Macarena
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Ah, anonymous backbiting and jealousy - we never really leave middle school.

{Hugs} Want me to beat him up for you? I’ve never punched someone.

To: Phil
From: N.L.
Date: Some time ago
Subject: Re: Hate Mail

Oh man, I like it when guys finally experience this because girls have gone through this since about the age of six. Yes, girls are brutal. It’s something you become desensitized to eventually and well, just delete the emails and don’t even read them. You don’t need bad medicine in your life and don’t let someone beat you up like this if they don’t have the balls to say it in your face.

My philosophy? If it’s not in my face, then it’s not worth getting worked up about. If they get in your face? Have a brick handy, baby. (I may or may not be kidding about the last sentence.)

1. Write midterms

2. Do a gazillion assignments

3. Cry until I’m hungry

4. Accept an offer for a place to do my Ph.D.

5. Politely decline 3 others

6. Watch yesterday’s episode of Heroes (“Hiiirrroooo”)

7. Write a gazillion pages for my thesis

8. Sulk and generally be a big grouch

9. Mark a billion badly written assignments

10. Fail a couple students so I can feel better (this really works!)

11. Whine to anyone who talks to me

12. Curl up into a big ball and cry until I’m hungry (again)

“Eh bahdy wahna be a bodybilba but don’ no bahdy wanna liff no heavy ass weight.”

Translation: Everybody wants to be a bodybuilder, but don’t nobody wanna lift no heavy ass weight.

My gmail inbox is like my life story.

Over 3000 e-mails, not counting back-and-forth replies, which Google conveniently packs into one elongated message. If you were to count those, the tally would probably go up 3-fold. Maybe more.

So I spent a few hours today, reading through the old mail. It’s such an odd feeling. Melancholy, maybe. Humiliation, embarassment, on the rare occasion — joy. It’s all there for me to read.

Oh man, I was such a puppy back in the day. Sad puppy eyes and eager wagging tail. Just, well, puppy-like.

My e-mails were long. Poetic. Rambling. The pathetic writing of a lovestruck teenager going through typical teenager crap.

To: Phil
From: Dave
Date: Recently
Subject: None

Stop being so emo.

- Dave

I know this sounds pathetic, but I need a good sob.

How long has it been since I last had a decent bawling?

Eight years old? Maybe nine?

Someone — anyone — hold me.

The other day, I drove to school, and noticed, to my dismay, a car parked through — I kid you not — three parking lanes. The owner of the black car had parked their vehicle at a forty-five degree angle, occupying two spots in the same row, then decided to also invade half of the lane in front.

So yes, a total of three lanes.

I parked opposite the car, and saw a note attached to the dash.

In crude, boyish writing it read:

“Nice parking job, Sugar.”

You could hear my snicker a mile away.