a new formula
It’s like this: I wake up, put on my jeans and t-shirt, brush my teeth, and do my hair. Then I get out the can that’s labeled ‘Wit, Charm, Personality: New Long-Lasting Formula’, give myself a good spritz (or two, on bad days), and leave the house.
A few years ago, I was sitting next to a friend in the wee hours of the night — both of us, half asleep — when she said something to me I’ll never forget.
“Phil?”, she murmured.
“Mmmfff,” I mumbled.
“I don’t want to, like, pump up your ego…”
“…bigger than it already is?” I finished.
“Yeah…”
She paused for a good long while.
“I don’t know if you know this, but a lot of our friends think they’re lucky to be your friend.”
“Why?”
“Because they look up to you. Because there aren’t a lot of guys like you out there. You’re unique.”
I didn’t know what to say. So we both fell silent. And that was that.
To this day, that nightly exchange remains the sweetest, nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me. Ever.
But some days, some days like today, I get worried. I get worried because that side of me — the side people see — that’s not the whole story, right? When I’m out in public, I’m a completely different person. It’s not an act because acting requires some kind of conscious thought.
It’s just a different facet. It’s like this: I wake up, put on my jeans and t-shirt, brush my teeth, and do my hair. Then I get out the can that’s labeled ‘Wit, Charm, Personality: New Long-Lasting Formula’, give myself a good spritz (or two, on bad days), and leave the house.
It’s routine. It’s normal.
But the other side of me — that private, secluded guy — he’s completely different. He’s not a nice guy. He gets angry and depressed. He’s moody. Overthinks. Lacks confidence. Lacks perspective. And like that weird kid who works at the back of the post office, licking stamps, and mumbling to himself — he only comes out when nobody else is around.
I know it’s not just me. Chances are, you’re like this too.
In public, we all seem so well behaved, don’t we? So pulled together. We can be funny and charming, confident and successful. Our lives seem perfect. We’re beautiful like that.
But it worries me that one day, people will find out about this other side. This other person. They’ll find out that he’s not as smart, his jokes aren’t as funny, and he always wakes up with bad hair.
And then it’ll never be the same.
Emma says,
Phil, being one of your recent students, I haven’t known you for as long as your other friends. But what your friend said to you was right on. You’re the type of guy people naturally fall in love with (especially students, hah!).
It’s true and we all have secrets and other sides to our personality we don’t want others to see. But you shouldn’t be ashamed or afraid of it.
It’ll take a lot more than that to scare us off.
Dave says,
Phil, I love you in the most manly (non homo-erotic) way possible.
If Phil were to hold 11 roses in front of a mirror, he would be seeing the 12 most beautiful things in the world!
Annie says,
I know exactly what you mean. No, not all people are like that, just the intelligent ones.
It’s tough being us.
You have to find a person that understands that. Stay away from narcissists.
hot coffee girl says,
So, he’s human? Cool.
NYCWD says,
Not to be all cliche’ or anything… but my favorite quote happens to be:
“In each of us two natures are at war… the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, but one of them must conquer. In our own hands lies the power to choose. What we want most to be we are.” – Dr. Henry Jekyll
Because for me I know its closer to the truth than even I realize…
Nina says,
that was really sweet of her to actually tell you. i dont do that often to my friends. i just keep it to myself. but anyhow, are you sure she wasn’t drunk when she said that?
just kidding!! =]
Phil says,
Dave: I bet you say that to all the ladies.
NYCWD: What a beautiful quote! I really should read that classic some day.
Nina: You take what you can get, doll. Beggers can’t be choosers.
Jonathan Weatherhead says,
Yeah Phil, don’t worry - we all wear masks. Chances are, the people you don’t know that well won’t ever see your ‘real” you, and your friends won’t stop for even a second to scrutinize you. Mine certainly don’t.
We’re all human here; we can’t be perfect 24/7
Yeah, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is an amazing book.