a new formula

It’s like this: I wake up, put on my jeans and t-shirt, brush my teeth, and do my hair. Then I get out the can that’s labeled ‘Wit, Charm, Personality: New Long-Lasting Formula’, give myself a good spritz (or two, on bad days), and leave the house.

A few years ago, I was sitting next to a friend in the wee hours of the night — both of us, half asleep — when she said something to me I’ll never forget.

“Phil?”, she murmured.

Mmmfff,” I mumbled.

“I don’t want to, like, pump up your ego…”

“…bigger than it already is?” I finished.

“Yeah…”

She paused for a good long while.

“I don’t know if you know this, but a lot of our friends think they’re lucky to be your friend.”

“Why?”

“Because they look up to you. Because there aren’t a lot of guys like you out there. You’re unique.”

I didn’t know what to say. So we both fell silent. And that was that.

To this day, that nightly exchange remains the sweetest, nicest thing anybody’s ever said to me. Ever.

But some days, some days like today, I get worried. I get worried because that side of me — the side people see — that’s not the whole story, right? When I’m out in public, I’m a completely different person. It’s not an act because acting requires some kind of conscious thought.

It’s just a different facet. It’s like this: I wake up, put on my jeans and t-shirt, brush my teeth, and do my hair. Then I get out the can that’s labeled ‘Wit, Charm, Personality: New Long-Lasting Formula’, give myself a good spritz (or two, on bad days), and leave the house.

It’s routine. It’s normal.

But the other side of me — that private, secluded guy — he’s completely different. He’s not a nice guy. He gets angry and depressed. He’s moody. Overthinks. Lacks confidence. Lacks perspective. And like that weird kid who works at the back of the post office, licking stamps, and mumbling to himself — he only comes out when nobody else is around.

I know it’s not just me. Chances are, you’re like this too.

In public, we all seem so well behaved, don’t we? So pulled together. We can be funny and charming, confident and successful. Our lives seem perfect. We’re beautiful like that.

But it worries me that one day, people will find out about this other side. This other person. They’ll find out that he’s not as smart, his jokes aren’t as funny, and he always wakes up with bad hair.

And then it’ll never be the same.