thighs

…the typical difference between a man’s waist and thigh is about 6-7 inches. For me, the difference is more like 11-12 inches. Almost double.

I’m one chunky bastard.

I think I’d look good in women’s clothing.

Does that sound odd to you?

Probably. Oh, who am I kidding, you probably have your hand hovering over the phone at this very moment, ready to hand me over to the loony bin.

But bear with me. Can you do that? Maybe by the end of this, it won’t sound so odd.

But here’s a (somehow fitting) song by Barbara Streisand that’ll keep you company as we tread on.

A few posts ago, I mentioned having visited a tailor. His name was Mario and he charged me close to two thousand dollars to make a tux and two, rather ordinary collared shirts.

For a handmade outfit, it’s not extraordinarily expensive. But for a not-even-out-of-school punk like me, who doesn’t have a six digit salary, a rich power-hungry wife, and a Beverly Hills mansion, it’s still a bit of money. A helluva lot.

So why bother?

The problem — like all problems in life — starts at the waist.

It’s a nasty problem and goes both ways — up to my chin and down to my itty-bitty toes.

The thing is, I’m an extraordinarily short guy — only about five feet seven inches. 5′7, assuming I’m standing up straight. 5′7 assuming it’s sunny outside and the weather’s just perfect. 5′7 on a tall day.

I’m also an extraordinarily heavy guy — weighing anywhere from 190 lbs to 195 lbs. In fact, on a heavy day — like Wednesday — I may even be over 195 lbs. Hold the applause, please.

But all these two characteristics aren’t problems by themselves, no. It’s the waist, you see.

And my waist, along with my extraordinarily short stature and extraordinarily heavy weight, is an extraordinarily small waist.

Okay, I’m pulling your leg. It’s not that small.

The problem is that at one end, my waist flares out to a wide back. And at the other, it flares out to even chunkier thighs. Take a look at the following silhouette. I should warn you though, the full chunkiness of my thighs is poorly depicted in this silhouette.

Since I know I’m going to have to answer some silly questions about this (mainly from Dave): No I wasn’t entirely naked for this picture, and yes, I had my boxers on.

Stop laughing.

According to my newfound tailor, Mario, the typical difference between a man’s waist and thighs is about 6-7 inches. For me, the difference is more like 11-12 inches. Almost double. I’m one chunky bastard.

So let me take you through the process of how someone like me would find an ordinary button-down shirt.

First: I’d have to find a shirt that was meant for someone with my relatively short stature — not an unsurmountable task, sure, but the majority of clothes out there are meant for men at least a few inches taller.

Second: Most dress shirts meant for men 5′7-5′9 can’t accommodate my wide upper back and shoulders. This is a pretty big problem.

Third: Chances are, any shirt that can fit my upper back was meant for someone with a much, much larger gut. So I tuck the shirt in? Sure, but the end result is that it tends to bunch up near the waist and it simply looks wrong. So you keep the shirt out? Now I just look like a twat, thanks.

Starting to get the picture? We’re not done yet. Let’s find a pair of trousers.

First: Let’s find a pair that’ll fit those beefy thighs of mine. Got em’? Okay.

Second: Oops, sorry. Those pants were meant for someone with, again, a much bigger gut. Great. So you use a belt to hold it up. But now the fabric around the waist and butt pops out. You end up looking like a dolt, holding up clown pants with a belt.

Fine, so let’s try it in the reverse order.

First: The waist. Easily done. Now put your legs through and what do you find?

Second: Oops, sorry. Those pants were meant for someone with Gluteus Maximus that’s not quite so maximal. Good luck jamming your chunky thighs through that sucker.

So I know what you’re thinking. A problem with no solution?

Hardly.

Let me explain my brilliant idea.

See, the secret (like all secrets in life, mind you) lies with the feminine sex. Quite a few women have slim waists. In fact, their waists expand up to a larger upper back and down to larger hips. This accounts for the large taper you might see in a woman’s shirt and pants.

And so the solution is simple.

Simple, yet genial.

I could — could — spend $1900 to have some hoity-toity Italian tailor make me clothes that fit.

Or I could just wear women’s clothing.

Tada.

Now, you may applaud.