Thank you for all the support, guys. You know who you are.
One of my most beloved high school teachers passed away very suddenly on the weekend. I know it sounds absurd to say that I’m feeling at my lowest right now. It feels selfish. As if somehow I’m more important than any of her close, personal friends or god forbid, her husband of only a year.
But if you’ve read A Tale of Three Mugs you’d know how important high school was to me. So important that last night, I found myself tossing and turning, unable to sleep because it felt like a part of my past was gone. Poof. Just like that.
And suddenly, I was left grasping for memories that were no longer there.
I know, god, I know I wasn’t the only one. Hundreds of other students are mourning; friends and family by the dozen. I feel wrong. Self-centered. As if now, there’s nothing left of her but these tiny crumbs. And I’m just greedily lapping them up — not thinking that other students, other family and friends — better ones than me — they may be suffering as well. But I just can’t help it. I loved her.
I’ve handled death in the past. Three funerals in the last three years. But this one is the hardest to bear.
Of course, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I was supposed to finish school and then return, so I could see the expression on her face. You know? That expression when she’d realized I’d finally done what I’d set out to do all those years ago. But now none of that’s going to happen.
She’ll never, ever know.
Michelle says,
Phil, I am sorry to hear the sad news of the passing of your teacher. Best wishes. Michelle
Carol says,
Don’t be so hard on yourself … Yes, others have their own mourning to do, but you have to get through your own first. There will always be a “selfish” side to any death of a loved one and it is perfectly natural. You have experienced a loss of something important, something you held valuable in your heart, and you have to come to terms with it in your own way and in your own time.
I hope you will try to keep this thought in the back of your mind - The blessing(s) this person brought to your life is/are greater than the loss of her and at some time in the future you will feel joy from that, not sadness.
And, if it helps at all, here’s a ((( HUG )))
Jon Weatherhead says,
It’s never selfish to miss a good friend.
Marika says,
Dear Phil,
I know how you feel it’s so tough when someone such as a teacher passes away. As Jon said above, it’s never ever selfish to miss someone. Thoughts are with you.
annie says,
It’s not selfish, especially since you realize you are not the only one missing her. That is very un-selfish of you.
And (I like to think), she knows. She really knows EVERYTHING now.