To: Ho with the ample cleavage
From: Phil
Date: September 06, 2006 11:15 PM
Subject: None

I saw you at the gym. You were magnificent. Tanned brunette, long wavy hair, short-short blue shorts, and a shirt cut so low your assets were practically bursting to get out.

And yes, you were also the gym’s loudest mouth, biggest flirt, and most noticeable skank and ho-bag in training.

The gym is my sanctuary. It is where I spend sixty minutes of my stressful and weary day, molding my body into the lean mean fighting machine that it is. It is where I sculpt my body to utter perfection, not by slapping on mere clay, but through hard exercises, training, and sweat.

You, on the other hand, feel the gym is your personal playground. A place where you can shout and cackle loudly to the annoyance of the poor patrons. A place where you can walk around and flirt shamelessly with every morsel of male beef you can smell within a ten meter radius.

As the gentleman of the hour, I’m compelled to remind you — Miss Slut with the Ample Cleavage — that the typical rules of etiquette continue to apply in the gym, even to those with D cups. You skank.

Sincerely Yours,
Phil

Peggy Post says:

So enjoy your Labour Day folks, and don’t let those snooty friends of yours bully you into putting away your whites.

Men of my generation have no idea how to treat women.

See, I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe in the policies of etiquette. I believe in opening doors and candlelit dinners. I believe in the timeless gifts of roses, lilies, and other bouquets of colourful, nice-smelling flowers.

etiquette

“Whether a man should open doors and hold chairs for a women depends largely on whether the woman will appreciate these gestures. It’s fair to say that most younger women today are not inclined to sit in a car while a date walks around to open the door.”
Peggy Post

Call me old-fashioned, but I think that the man should do what he can to make the lady – whether she’s the woman of his dreams or simply a casual friend – feel like a true princess.

Am I the only one?

These days, I see young men treating their lady companions with the most obnoxious, rude, and inarticulate manners I have ever seen (at least until one passes the border into Gatineau, Québec.)

I’m not referring to certain out-of-date practices, like standing up at a table whenever the lady stands, but rather less chivalrous things that border on common-sense and simple courtesy. Things like holding a door at a restaurant (whether in front or behind) for the next person. Things like going to the door when arriving at someone’s place instead of honking at the curb or calling on a cell phone. It would shock you if I were to tell you about some of the names I’ve heard boys my age use to refer to their companions at a public establishment.

Slaying dragons and rescuing princesses are not on the agenda, though the most basic guidelines of how a true man should conduct himself in public is.

Wake up my fellow brothers. Start treating your lady friends (whether romantically pursued or otherwise) with more gentlemanly behaviour and you’ll do an enormous favour to both parties involved. We are not brutes. We are not Neanderthals. And we are not French.

(My apologies to my French readers. It has been a well documented fact that French rudeness should not be taken as anything other than a bad stereotype.)

However, there is one interesting dilemma we’re left with: in today’s day and age with today’s boys and girls, which rules of etiquette are still desireable and which rules are passé? In Peggy Post’s well known 700 page volume, Emily Post’s Etiquette, she addresses this concern when it comes to opening doors and holding chairs:

Peggy offers a simple, modern solution to this clash of cultures:

What’s my take on opening car doors and holding chairs? I don’t hold chairs unless I’m stuck in a bit of a formal setting and only when I’m sure the gesture won’t be misinterpreted. On the other hand, opening and closing the car door is something that hasn’t lost its touch, even among young men. I’ve found that it’s very much appreciated if you open and close the door for your friend when she just arrives. Once you’ve reached the destination however, most girls will not wait for you and will simply get out on their own, leaving you the trouble of wondering what the right thing to do is.

Opening the door for someone is not a difficult gesture and I’ve found that my old-fashioned courtesy is usually taken in stride with a rewarding smile and a giggle.