This is from the deepest and darkest depths of my mailbag — nearly six months ago.

But it still makes me laugh.

You’re going to have to first read my e-mail to the Girl Crossing the Street.

To: Phil
From: Girl crossing the street
Date: July 23, 2006
Subject: Re: Your Message

Dear Phil,

Thank you for your interest in my personal problems. In the future, please keep your eyes on the road and away from my firm ass.

Transportation safety is far too important. Only YOU can prevent accidents.

Sincerely,
Girl

I know it was just one of you jokers.

But I still got a guilty shucks-ya-caught-me look in my eyes after reading it.

Just got this moments ago.

To: Phil
From: Anonymous
Date: Moments Ago
Subject: Contact Form Results

You aren’t known as “the top student” - nobody thinks of you like that. You are thought of as someone who still lives at home, graduated with a general degree by skipping his first year, and then worked through a Master’s degree by having half of the requirements removed. People think that you are arrogant, effeminate, and possibly on steroids. Women have told me that your pants are tighter than theirs.

You have no background in English Literature, Astrophysics, or Philosopy, and you would be terrible at these things. And this blog is basically a shrine to yourself.

Grow up, Phil. I’m sure you have a good possibility of getting into [Schools Removed], which will be a great opportunity for you. But, you have some serious personality problems that you need to work out.

I’m surprised. Not so much because of the comments.

But because whoever wrote it sounds like a friend. A close friend, even. Someone I cheerfully say hi to. Someone I thought I knew. Someone who thinks they know me.

Not some anonymous juvenile punk having stumbled away from his MySpace page.

That’s what bothers me. You think you know everybody in your life.

That’s all.

It’s reader mail like this that really makes my day.

To: Phil
From: Macarena
Date: December 14, 2006
Subject: The Sounds of BlogSilence

I don’t have Rhys’ e-mail address, so maybe you can muster the energy to forward this to her. Since y’all are so busy, I’ve written a goddamn post for y’all. It’ll keep your readers busy with comments until y’all can be bothered to post again. Here it is in its entirety:

Rhys + Phil = naked

To: Macarena, Rhys
From: Phil
Date: December 14, 2006
Subject: Re: The Sounds of BlogSilence

Absolutely positively scandalous! I don’t think I can deal with the uproar of my readers.

Besides, I don’t think Rhys would be terribly comfortable in that…equation.

- p

To: Macarena, Phil
From: Rhys
Date: December 14, 2006
Subject: Re: Re: The Sounds of BlogSilence

Bwahaha!! Awesome!! But where does G-Mac figure into it?

To: Phil, Rhys
From: Macarena
Date: December 14, 2006
Subject: Re: Re: Re: The Sounds of BlogSilence

WHOA!

Um, I can run the camera.

To: Macarena, Rhys
From: Phil
Date: December 14, 2006
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: The Sounds of BlogSilence

My mommy warned me about girls like you two.

don’t you care?

“Are you THAT busy?”

Kat, in leave me alone

To: Phil
From: Kat
Date: December 09, 2006
Subject: None

I hate you forever!

Do I have to remind you again?

I know it’s exam period for you, and that means it’s go time. But you care enough to set up all these fancy schmancy help sessions for your students…what about us? Let’s face it, bub. Your posts have hit a new low.

I know your super ego took a hit after the whole [fiasco] and after all your readers bitch slapped you, but that’s okay.

Just get back on your feet and post another stupid picture, mkay?

Kat xxx

To: Kat
From: Phil
Date: December 10, 2006
Subject: Re: None

Yes ma’am

Phil

…and I figured, “Gee Phil, you should post something just to let people know, like, you’re still alive.”

But then I took a look around and saw that all my blog friends were neglecting their services as well, and so I was all, “Shah, I’ll post somethin’ when they post somethin’.”

To: Phil
From: Steven
Date: Sometime in the last week
Subject: None

Dear Phil,

I am a huge fan of all things law and economics, but I hate math. Unfortunately, to go into economics I need a good Calculus mark, so I was wondering if you had any good pointers on what is the best way to study Calculus and Data Management?

Sincerely,
Steven

To: Steven
From: Phil
Date: Sometime in the last week
Subject: Re: None

As with most things in life, the best way to learn math is to do math.

And as I say to my students, “AS IF you have anything better to do Friday night…”

To: Phil
From: Nikki
Date: Sometime in the last week
Subject: Harry Potter

Have you been reading up on all the Harry Potter Book 7 conspiracies? I’m getting more and more obsessed… It’s coming out July 7, 2007 and I’m already jazzed up. I’ve been reading all these interviews with JK Rowling where she is hinting at what happens and it’s driving me nuts.

I’m such a dork.

To: Phil
From: Catherine
Date: Sometime in the last week
Subject: mathematicians

Well I guess my mother was wrong when she told me that mathematicians have no sense of humour. I guess math isn’t…that bad.

Did I say that out loud?

To: Phil
From: Alex
Date: Sometime in the last week
Subject: about a girl

…so what am I going do? I’ve got school tommorow and I don’t want to skip — there’s this girl that shows up and well, you know how it is…

To: Alex
From: Phil
Date: Sometime in the last week
Subject: Re: about a girl

I miss that.

Dragging your lazy ass to school because there’s some girl you always fancied. Another reason why I miss high school so much.